Chris had to go back to work today after having to have 2 days off work to look after me and Niamh. He started at 7 this morning and it wasn't too bad. Niamh had a major case of the grumps but actually ate her breakfast for the first time in days and went down for her nap easily. I just collapsed on the sofa. I have my dad coming round as soon as he's done helping my mum with something for the rest of the day to help me, until Chris gets in. I just feel useless and horrid. It doesn't help that Niamh, who usually enjoys playing so independently, doesn't know what she wants. One minute she's happy playing, then she wants me to cuddle her, then she doesn't. I just can't keep up.
Chris thinks that I do too much. I try very hard to be the best mum possible, even with my conditions, and I still continue to try my hardest even when I have something else on top of my norm. He's probably right, but other "normal" mums have to just get on with it when they are unwell, why can't I? I KNOW I shouldn't for fear of another relapse but I FEEL like I should. I really do. It makes me think that I am letting both Niamh and Chris down if I don't. If I can't play with her in the usual ways, if the flat isn't as tidy as I would like. I feel like I have failed.
I suppose this comes from my work ethic, which is really built into my character. I am an all or nothing type of person. If I can do anything however big or small I put my all into it and do my absolute best. Because I can't work at the moment I take the whole house-wife thing quite seriously. Yes I can only really cook using the slow cooker (seriously brilliant energy saving device) but I like to make sure the house is as clean and tidy as possible and that I get a good amount of play time with Niamh everyday.
In order to help me do all this myself and Niamh have a very rigid routine, which my friends don't always understand. Yes, children need a routine, but most of the time that can be flexible. But M.E patients, M.E patients need a rigid routine, that is the same (where possible) day in and day out. This is ours. Chris gets up with Niamh at 5, then wakes me at 7.30 before he goes to work (unless he starts earlier or later). I get up and do Niamh's breakfast then she goes down for a nap about 8 and I have a rest/sleep on the sofa until she wakes up (usually between 9.15-9.30). Niamh has some playtime and I rest on the sofa and go and lay on the floor and play with her. We have Cbeebies on and I talk to her about what is happening in each of the programs. If I am up to it, this is the time we will try and get out for a while. She has a bottle at 12, lunch at 12.30 and goes down for her afternoon nap at 1. I go back to bed until she wakes up which is usually between 2.30-3. After 3 tends to be when my family visit, they came and play with Niamh and do the odd thing for me, like help me to clean or hoover for me. My sister often does my food shopping for me, and my parents bring me things that I need when I can't go and get them. Niamh normally has a bottle at 4.30, dinner at 5, bath at 5.30 then quiet time and bed between 6-7. I often go to bed not long after her, it doesn't mean that I have much time to myself, or to relax but caring for Niamh is the most important thing to me!
If I can't even do the little things that I allow myself within the rigid routine I feel awful. I was once SO independent. I didn't like people doing things for me, and I am still that person. I STILL don't like it when people do things that I think I should be doing, it makes me a very bad patient! I am forever being told off by everyone for doing too much and for not asking for help when I clearly need it. But I don't like asking for help and I don't like the guilty feeling I get when people are doing things for me, I don't like putting people out! I have actually had full blown arguments with Chris because I was trying to do too much for him, to help him out. I understand why but that is the complete opposite argument to most couples! O well I don't like to be normal, can you tell?!
Here are mine and Niamh's 366 photos for today!
Niamh, despite pooping for Britain and throwing up still wants to explore her bedroom!
And me, ill, went back to bed as soon as Chris got in, having problem holding my head up for more than 5 minutes.
Night folks!
No comments:
Post a Comment