I miss the days when....

Last night, on twitter the hashtag #Imissthedayswhen was trending and I sat there for a while thinking about what I missed and what I could write. Turns out I miss a lot since before I got ill. So, here goes, I miss the days when:

• I didn't have to think about pacing.
• I didn't have to consider where a wheelchair would fit in my house.
• I didn't need a bath lift
• I didn't need loads of different equipment to do even the most basic of things.
• I didn't have to have two naps per day,
• I didn't have to take upwards of 20 tablets every evening, not counting the others throughout the day.
• I didn't need so much help.
• When I knew what it was like to feel healthy, well.
• When I didn't have to wear sunglasses in the house, or in the rain.
• When I didn't have to have ear plugs in when I went out.
• When I could wash my own hair.
• When I could look nice, wear the clothes I wanted to wear rather than those I could wear.
• When I could do my own hair and my make up the way that I wanted to.
• When I had my own identity, when I didn't have to blend in because all I can wear is tracksuits.
• When I wasn't completely exhausted all the time.
• When I could go out with my friends without weeks of planning beforehand and weeks of resting afterwards.
• When I didn't have to give myself injections.
• When I could think straight and remember things, find the right words.

There are probably thousands more but I really don't want to bore you all to death. I'm sure other M.E/CFS people understand the amount of things this disease takes away from you. The amount of things that you do end up missing. I try not to dwell on things, if I thought about all the things I missed for too long I would just get depressed. I've been iller in my life, with this disease, so, here are somethings I DON'T miss from then:

• Being stuck in bed.
• Being carried to the toilet.
• Being fed.
• Not being able to read.
• Not being able to watch TV or go on the computer.
• Living in a completely blacked out room.
• Having to wear and eye mask almost all the time.
• Having to wear ear plugs almost all the time even though they make my ears hurt.
• Being dosed up on strong pain meds continuously.
• Not being able to remember my name, or those of my friends and family.
• Not being able to string a sentence together or talk to people very often.

So the main point here being, that for many of us at least, although we miss things from our lives before we got ill, most of us (but unfortunately not all, some people are still there) have had periods where our illness is worse than it is currently. Yes, since I've got ill I've been better, but I have also been worse. So when I'm having a down day I have to remember that although I miss a lot from my life before M.E, I have been a lot worse and when I remember the things I don't miss from that period of my life then I am so grateful for where I am. Here are some things I think about when I'm down, that remind me how lucky I truly am:

• NIAMH - I have always wanted children, for as long as I can remember. But when I got ill I thought it was a dream I would never be able to realise. Then I got pregnant, when I was told my mediciation would prevent me from being able to. I actually got called selfish a few times when I was pregnant. A feeling that I had deep down, that I couldn't be a good mum because I was disabled. But instead of dwelling on it I decided I would prove my critics wrong and be the best mum I could be, Niamh would have a good life, regardless of my illness. It was hard work, and after spending a lot of time at the hospital my beautiful baby girl was here and I haven't looked back since. She is the only thing I need to think of now when I'm having a down day. She makes my world so much brighter and gives me a reason to behave myself health wise and carry on no matter what. I want to be the best mum I can be, regardless of anything else.

• Chirs - He stuck by me, through everything. Even when I became bed bound 6 months into our relationship. Even when he had to feed me and carry me to the toilet. Even when I yelled at him, cried at him and begged him to leave me. He married me. He gave me my beautiful little girl and, although he gets of my nerves occasionally (who has a boyfriend/husband who doesn't) I love him more everyday. He continues to care for me and make me smile. 

• Mum and dad - my parents have been amazingly supportive all my life. When I got ill this support strengthened, when I had Niamh it strengthened further. They come and see me everyday. They help with the housework, they help look after Niamh. They help me finically, physically, emotionally and in every other way possible. I love and respect them so much.

• Angela and Karl - my sister and her boyfriend are a wonderful support to me, Chris and Niamh. Myself and my sister get on really well, unless we are living together, we simply can't live together without fighting like cat and dog. We may fight sometimes but its often because the other is the only one we feel comfortable expressing our feelings too. We know we love each other really. She really does go out of her way to help us, to look after Niamh, cook for me and much much more. Niamh loves being with her and they are so fun to watch playing together. Her boyfriend, Karl has always made me laugh and kept me smiling even when I have been in hospital. He keeps Chris entertained too, hee hee!

• My best friend Leah and her family - They have so much going on, what with four children, one of whom has lots of illnesses and disabilities of her own. Leah also has an illness that can leave her very disabled at times, and has a lot of similar symptoms to M.E. Yet she still manages to be there for me whenever I need her, I know I can just text or call her and she'll help me as much as she can. I have known her for 23 years and she is more like my sister than a best friend. Her husband and children always manage to make me smile.

• Chris's family - supportive and always there when I need them.

• Friends - I am lucky enough to have friends that haven't abandoned me since I got ill, I don't get to see them as much as I want to but they are still there.

I think if you have a long term or chronic illness then it is important to think in a positive manner. Lets be frank about this, if most of us sat down and thought about the bad aspects of our lives and illnesses it would simply result in a lot of depressed people. Although I firmly believe that the majority of people with M.E also have a form of depression (lets be honest, who wouldn't be a bit depressed if they suddenly had all normal aspects of their lives stolen from them) and that this depression will improve or worsen as the disease does. This isn't standard depression, and is in no way the under laying reason for the illness, more a symptom of it. One that learning to think in a more positive manner can help to control, and for me at least is really nice knowing that I can make myself feel just a tiny bit better by thinking of happy positive things! It did take me a long time to look for the positives instead of focusing on the negatives. I still have "o woe is me" days, but they are fewer and I let myself get fed up, cry a bit, maybe have a glass of wine and a tub of ice cream then I sleep and hope to wake up with a different attitude.

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures for today:

And Niamh, the pineapple she was eating made her pull a funny face! I LOVE IT!

That's it for today people, it's a long enough entry as is!

Cold/Virus + M.E = ERGH!!!

I think the title really says it all. I have a cold and/or a viral infection of some kind. Which has made my M.E flare up as it always does when I get anything on top of it. Problem being I don't really think my M.E ever recovered from October, which I suppose makes sense because I have had one infection on top of another ever since. To the point where I now have to have anti-biotics on repeat prescription so that I don't have to keep going to the doctors to get more whenever I have another. Think they're a bit sick of seeing me for pointless two minute appointments now!

My legs decided that they wanted to turn into to led last night, which was a nice surprise first thing this morning. But I still made it to the Christening that I was supposed to be going to today, which was a very good thing as there were five children I knew getting Christened! I did forget to give them the cards I bought for them though! It was really nice to see lots of people that I haven't been able to see in a while as well, even if I was feeling even less brilliant than usual!

We went to mum and dads for lunch and they made me a bed on their sofa as apparently I looked awful. Always nice when people tell you that! They made us a roast, and gave Niamh gravy, possibly a big mistake as I am sure they hadn't been planning on needing to re-decorate their dining room "bisto gravy brown". They have this posh high chair, that can be used by practically any age group (even up to adult) and lucky for them it has a rather big foot rest in the setting it's on at the moment (I think that this would be the seat if it were converted for an adult) and this foot rest becomes more of a food rest when Niamh is using it. Well, more like a food catcher. Bless her. Saves on work clearing up though.

Haven't done much else all day. Find caring for Niamh solo very difficult when I have added illnesses/infections on top of my norm. Taking her out anywhere is actually impossible on my own when I'm like this. I am very lucky though have a great support network of family and friends. Tomorrow, for example, my sister is coming over to cook me and Niamh some lunch and take Niamh to gym babes. I can go with her if I'm up to it or stay home and get some more rest if I'm not. Which is nice. Although as I said before they're moving Niamh up to tumble tots in a couple of weeks so would like to make the most of it whilst she still with the little ones.

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures for today.

Me looking "awful" on mum and dad's sofa:

And Niamh, in her toy box at mum and dads:

I'm going to go and get some rest. Night all!

The cold weather sucks.

I have been having really bad problems with my joints and bones recently. Because of this I can't go out in the cold if it is at all avoidable as makes everything hurt so much more. So have been stuck in the flat today, which I don't like. I know it sounds silly. But I spent a couple of years house bound and 18 months bed bound and going back there obviously worries me. No matter the state of my health I try to get outside, even if it is only briefly everyday. I just don't want to not feel the breeze and the temperature and see the sun. I get a serious case of cabin fever if I don't have this tiny little outing! How stupid. Problem is, if the news is to be believed, this is the start of a cold snap that could last up to four weeks. I really don't want to be stuck inside for the best part of four weeks! Think that would make me go crazy, even if I knew there would be an end to it! It really is so stupid, especially seeing written down, But it really does make me worry.

I tried to get some cleaning done, but my energy levels are a bit poo and considering I can't really lift things or bend well at the moment it made it a bit complicated. That and, as you all know, I like to save my energy to spend as much time with Niamh, playing with her, or just sitting with her and watching TV. She makes me smile so much. She really is so wonderful. Am really proud of her today actually. We are trying to cut out her night feed as she doesn't really need it anymore. She hasn't been taking much during the day and has been trying to have more feeds at night. Obviously this isn't good. Chris does the night stuff but he has to work so can't be too shattered. We live in a small two bedroom flat but there is no way anyone is asleep if she is awake because you can hear everything going on in the others rooms. So my nights are often disturbed. Not good for an M.E sufferer. So yesterday I did a bit reading up on the best way to do cut her night feed out completely. The best way, it seems is to replace it with water, because after a few nights they don't see the point of waking up for it, and either don't or wake up and go back to sleep quickly without needing any help. Last night, she took the water and went straight back to sleep (with only a few issues because of her teeth but none because of the water). So far today she has drunk both of her bottles, the majority of her first bottle and every single drop of her lunchtime bottle! Hopefully if she fills up on them during the day then she won't want any over night. At the moment she is still having a dream feed just before we go to bed, but we will aim to cut that out in a week or so when hopefully she has decided she no longer needs the night feed. If we can get her to not want the night feed then hopefully we will all be better rested and happier. I might see some reduction in pain and increase in my cognitive ability, that would be nice!

I know that sleepless nights are difficult if you don't have M.E, but I'm sure it's harder if you do as you rely so much on rest. I have to have a rest every time Niamh has a nap. I think some of my friends think its annoying if I do manage to go out but then have to leave early because of Niamh's nap. I sometimes feel that they think that I'm an overly strict mum, but I'm not. It is more because I need the rest. Niamh needs to be in a routine because I need her to be! It is good for her also, don't get me wrong, but if I didn't rest I don't know where I would be. Honestly think I would spiral into a major relapse. I am so glad that Niamh was so easy to get into a routine and that, for the moment at least she appears to be perfectly happy in one. Soon she will want to drop her morning nap. But thats ok. Hopefully she will make it shorter and shorter so that I have time to adjust too.

Niamh was born myself and Chris made the decision that I would take all of my daily medication (excluding pain killers obviously) in the evening, so that any and all side effects would be gone by the morning when I am solely responsible for Niamh. These have to be taken approximately two hours before bedtime so that the sedatives parts have started working by the time I want to go to bed. This, would be when I was out. So I have to take somewhere in the region of 12-20 tablets dependant upon whether or not I have any infections etc, and this means taking them out with me. Then taking them in public (people stare, my friends I'm fine with but other people really do stare!). THEN dealing with the fact that the side effects I experience are hap-hazard, as is the time it takes to start experiencing them. Sometimes the sedatives can begin to take affect within 30 minutes, others it takes the full two hours, occasionally more. They make me go dizzy, wobbly and I often sound drunk. I will giggle and chat non stop, then my legs won't work and eventually I just pass out. Not good if out in public, especially at a pub. What do people think when you sound drunk, wobbly everywhere, fall over and pass out? Not only is it likely to get me thrown out but it's also majorly embarrassing!

On a lighter note, here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures from today:

And Niamh's, all snuggled after her bath!

I'm going to get an early one as I think I have a cold coming on. Boo! Night all!

Calming down and pink wafers.

Well yesterday got me in a right state. I was soooo angry, as I think many people were. I still am, to an extent. I have made my point known, and so have many others across the Internet. I did do quick search on the jackass in question and found that according to a couple of sites I found, this Mr Liddle is supposed to be a Christian, because those comments and others in his past are possibly some of the most un-Christian things I have ever read! However, I did, in my search of the Internet find this little baby, written by a political blogger who also happens to suffer from M.E and fibro. It. Is. Brilliant. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/jason-reed/rod-liddle-and-me_b_1235199.html. He raises a point as he concludes his blog, that those individuals with M.E tend to be driven people who work hard. Often professionals and those in the top of their fields, that are wrongly described as lazy for having a disease. He then points out that by not having these diseases himself, Mr Liddle, is, in fact, not trying hard enough! I actually sat at my computer and clapped (Chris thought I was crazy).

Since yesterday I have read other articles, in a way supporting what Rod Liddle worte but in a less abusive way. The common ground in all of them being that people fraudulently claiming disability benefits are contributing to the current economic crisis. Which is true. But people fraudulently claim nearly every type of benefit imaginable, so all should be targeted as far as I'm concerned. Most, not all, but most, of these articles have been well thought out. They have facts, they have been researched. They haven't abused an entire community just to make a badly thought out point. They have specified FROM THE START that they are in fact talking about a small percentage of the disabled population. Many complain that those against Rod Liddle's article failed to read it the whole way through and got offended by the start. Of course most disabled people would. If you start reading something and find it SO offensive that is actually makes your blood boil, you are hardly going to continue reading it! He was, apparently, aiming at only those who are pretending to be disabled to claim benefits. My issue is that, in his opinion, by suffering (keyword there suffering) from M.E/Fibro I am clearly just pretending to be disabled, and that is where my problem is. That, and his blatant disregard for the pain and illness endured by so many. Painting disability as a rosy, fun experience. Idiot.

Niamh has been better today, less teethy and more calm and fun. She still wants lots of cuddles though, which, of course, I am more than happy to provide her with. She also doesn't like fast food, how cool is that. Every week dad and I have fish and chips on a Saturday lunchtime, and every week I make her her own fish fingers and some steamed veg and give her a few of my chips to go with it. Every week she leaves the chips. I was very bad yesterday. I said that when Niamh was over 1 she could have VERY occasional bits of fast food. So yesterday she had some chips and chicken from KFC as well as a corn on the cob and steamed veg I had made for her. She ate all the veg and the corn on the cob and one or two chips. Left the chicken entirely, then had a whole apple for pudding! YAY! The baby led weaning paid off and Niamh prefers healthy food. So happy.

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pics from today:

Me smiling, it's scary I know:

And Niamh, when she fell asleep eating her jam on toast breakfast!

Night all.

FURIOUS! What we're all talking about. Mr. Liddle.

To say this makes me mad, is possibly the understatement of the century. A few of my friends may think I'm over reacting, but all those who have a disability, (whether it's M.E or fibro or not) or who live with someone with one will be just as outraged as me. Rod Liddle from The Sun newspaper, thought it was perfectly fine (in his deranged opinion) to write an article stating that it was his "new years resolution 2012 to become disabled", What. A. Jerk. Because it's one hell of a lot of fun, a complete barrel of laughs (note the sarcasm).  The article has since been removed from The Sun website, but the damage is done. Not to mention (at last look) an apology has yet to be issued, and you can't un-sell the hundreds of thousands of newspapers that have already been sold. As the article has been removed I can't post the link to the article itself but I found this, which is most of it: http://www.freezepage.com/1327578079WVBGACETGC

Some other choice quotes from the piece in question include:

“My New Year’s resolution for 2012 was to become disabled. Nothing too serious, maybe just a bit of a bad back or one of those newly invented illnesses which make you a bit peaky for decades – fibromyalgia, or M.E.”

“And being disabled is incredibly fashionable. The number of people who claim to be disabled has doubled in the past ten years.”

“It has become easier to claim those benefits, partly as a consequence of the disablement charities who, out of their own self-interest, insist that an ever-greater proportion of the population is disabled.”

"And who can blame them? Not only do you get money from the Government and don't have to go to work — but if you play your cards right you might get one of those badges which lets you park wherever you want."

       "Right in front of the cashpoint, for example. And you can use those enormous toilets with levers and handgrips and emergency buzzers they have in all public places, without feeling too guilty about it."

Well Mr Liddle, you pea brained idiot. I have a few responses for you.

Firstly, I suffer from (and have suffered for going on 11 years now) of both of your "newly invented diseases". Which, it turns out aren't that newly invented. Now I'm not going to mention fibro too much as I'll hold my hands up and confess that I don't know as much about it as maybe I should. But M.E, I have read EVERYTHING I could read, when I could read a lot. This disease which has many names including Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), post-viral fatigue syndrome (PVFS), chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome, and, I'm sure, many other terms. Affects roughly 250,000 people in the UK alone. There have been over 60 recorded outbreaks of the disease across the world, the first in the UK at the Royal Free Hospital in London in 1955, SO hardly a new disease! It is recognised as a neurological illness by the World Health Organisation (WHO) and there are NICE guidelines in place to advise on how to treat the disease, although there is still a lot to be learnt.

And, as for it making you feel 'peaky' for decades. For a start, who wants to feel PEAKY FOR DECADES???? Secondly, it is so much more than that! Common symptoms include (mainly taken from www.ayme.org.uk) :

• Fatigue: Utter exhaustion, often to the point of collapse. Different from even the worst tiredness experienced by normal, healthy people!
• Pain: can occur anywhere in the body, but most often experienced as headaches and severe muscle and joint pain. Skin sensations, like crawling, pins and needles and extreme sensitivity.
• Cognitive impairment: poor short and medium term memory, mental confusion and mental fatigue; the brain seems to run out of steam. Difficulty concentrating, word-finding and thinking. Inability to plan.
• Other symptoms: body temperature disturbance, dizziness, vertigo, postural hypotension, sensitivity to light and noise. Possibility of sleep disturbance, nausea, loss of appetite, gastroinstentinal disturbance, mood swings, panic and anxiety, acquired sensitivity to food, medication, alcohol and chemicals.

There's probably hundreds more that I haven't mentioned. I would be here all day. So Mr Liddle, still fancy it?

As for being disabled being incredibly fashionable. Well, being someone who is massively against fashion, trends of any kind, in fact doing my best to go against the grain of society. Tell me sir, why then, would I choose to be disabled. No one sane, normal individual would CHOOSE this. The amount of people claiming disability benefits has, according to you, doubled in the past 10 years. Have you ever thought that maybe this is because many spent the last decade using their savings or relying on family (as I have) and that these means are no longer there and therefore the only choice left to these people is to claim benefits. Many who do claim them, don't want to. For many, it has been a last straw decision.

"Who can blame can blame us? Don't have to work and get money from the government?" The fact you are missing sir, is that many of us WANT to work. Many of us would do practically anything to BE ABLE to work. So Mr Liddle, instead of calling us lazy, stating that we don't want to work, that we can't be bothered, why don't you get on the governments back. I think you'd find sir, that if they were to begin to shape the job around the individual and not the individual around the job, then Mr Liddle, a large percentage of the disabled population would be able to work. Surely this is a much better use of your time than insulting an entire community of vunerable individuals, with you badly researched, clearly un-thought out rantings?

O and it is DEFIANTLY not easy to claim benefits. As anyone can read in my previous post entitled "slipping through the cracks" I am living proof that it is not easy to claim benefits. If you have a disease like my that varies and is invisible it becomes even harder. I cannot claim job seekers or income support as I cannot work. I cannot claim ESA either as my husband works in excess of 24 hours a week, despite his low salary. We fall through the cracks and often have to rely on my parents to make ends meet. So yes Mr Liddle, it's a piece of flipping cake!

O and the blue badge! That is so difficult to get. I only received one in 2010, despite being ill since 2005 and confined to a wheelchair since 2006. So yes I can park close to the cash point, but I can't drive the car to one myself and, when I get there, often someone has to go for me, or unload a wheelchair and push me to the cash point, only to re-load the wheelchair minutes later. The toilet, the joy of using a disabled toilet. How many have you been in Mr Liddle? They are often a mess, not kept as clean as others. The hand rails and the emergency alarm. Because it's so dignified having to have help on and off the toilet, and even more brilliant having to pull that buzzer and have someone you don't know come in, find that your half-naked on the floor, having fallen off the toilet and found yourself unable to get up. Yes sir, everyone wants that!

I tell you what Mr Liddle, come and live with me for a week, of my best friend and her four children, or any number of the people I know with M.E and fibro, or those with other illnesses and disabilities. Live our lives for just one week and I promise you Mr Liddle, you will not think it is so "cool" to be disabled.

Wizard of Oz and day of recovery.

Well I didn't post yesterday because I managed to go to London to see Wizard of Oz and it was awesome!

I had my double dr's appointment in the morning and it actually went really well! My asthma is very hit and miss, so they have given me allergy triggers and now most of my support network live with an animal I'm allergic to (mum and dad: rabbit, my sister and her boyfriend: dog, my in laws: cat). So they have made me promise to remember to take my preventative twice a day, given me two set of allergy tablets and made me an appointment with a respiratory and allergy consultant. Which could be interesting. They filled the request for information that the DLA people sent me. The Dr was REALLY good and listened to EVERYTHING I had to say, and wrote it all down, suggesting other parts I had forgotten. He's also sending me for an ECG and a check on my glucose as he thinks that might be the reason for the cysts and abscesses I keep getting. But it was, all in all, a good experience!

Then I had a bit of a rest. Our friend Rog popped round for a while to fix up Chris's Xbox and he stayed for lunch. We left for London, around 2.30, and drove most of the way. If I have to travel for long (regardless of the mode of transportation) it has to be horizontal. So we went in the car so I could lay day with a pillow and a blanket and get some sleep. The show started at 7 but we didn't want to travel in rush hour so we went early and had a late lunch/early dinner at cafe rouge before stopping at the shops on the way to the theatre.

I thought the show would be good, but I REALLY REALLY enjoyed it. I had to have mum take me to the toilet and stuff half way through and put my legs over the chair in front so my joints didn't cease up, but because it was not very full, I could do that! We had drinks from the bar, and ordered some for the interval, it was really nice. We had seats about 10 rows from the front which is the closest I've ever been. My parents decided I was the scarecrow. The guy played it really well (as did they all) but he played it so he was wobbly, and falling over all the time and couldn't remember anything ever! They are probably right, and he was so funny too! I loved the dog as he was a real dog, and even though he didn't have any lines he liked to make himself know occasionally!

On the way back I was a bit wobbly, and a bit out of it. Remember calling traffic lights tablets at one point! O dear! Anyway, got home and literally fell in to bed. Niamh didn't have a very good night, so I ended up on the couch at one point so Niamh could steal my side of the bed.

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures for yesterday! Me, asleep in the car on the way to London:

and Niamh, in her toy box:

Today

Not much happened today, as I said, Niamh had a really unsettled night and we soon realised why. She woke up with a temperature and a bad bum, bless her, so think it's most likely teeth. She doesn't seem ill or anything, just really annoyed and grumpy. We've been giving her medicines all day and her temp seems to go back up just as they're due, so will just keep an eye on her for the next few days.

Of course with most of the day out of my routine yesterday, and a disturbed night last night, I was a bit worse for wear today. Lucky for me though, Chris had today off so I could recover. I have spent most of it either resting or in bed. So not very eventful really. I guess that's the price you pay when you have this disease and decide to do the odd normal thing here and there. Pain and exhaustion after, but yesterday was worth it :)

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 photos for today:

Me and our friend Roger:

And Niamh and daddy:

Night all!

Tubi grip queen.

This will be a short entry as I'm seriously trying to save my energy as am going to London tomorrow to celebrate my 26th birthday. Let me fill you in, I turned 27 in November (yes, 27) BUT when I turned 26 I was heavily pregnant and bed bound so mum and dad decided that they would take me to see the wizard of oz, after Niamh had been born and when I was well enough. Well, that's tomorrow. Chris is off so he has Niamh and he has Wednesday off so I can recover. Which is really nice of him, him not coming with me and taking Niamh will mean that I have a good time because I'm not spending it all worrying about her. Missing her maybe, but not worrying about her, well not too much at least!

I also have a two double appointments at the Dr's tomorrow. So, assuming they're not running at all late, will mean that I'm in there for a minimum of 40 minutes. Joy. I'm actually really nervous about it. I'm being re-assessed for my DLA and they have sent a letter asking the GP's for more information, so they want me to go in and discuss it with them. I'm not so much nervous about the appointment, more so about the outcome. But hey, not much I can do about it really is there! Also need to ask for some kind of referral to find out why I am repeatedly getting cysts and abscesses, have had them almost continually from when Niamh was born, used to get them occasionally before I had her to. So there has to be a reason, or some kind of medication to at least help.

Spent most of today resting on the couch, so that I would be able to take Niamh to gym babes. Covered in tubi grip from head to toe, basically (hence the title). She enjoys it so much, but it can be very difficult to me. It was hit and miss for a while but we made it. The staff there are so very good and they helped me out a lot. They also want to move her up to tumble tots at the end of this term as she has been walking confidently for a while. This is brilliant for Niamh but means my baby is growing up. I am a MASSIVE fan of tumble tots as I did it as a child, as did my sister. I budgeted for one activity for Niamh, as I couldn't afford more than that. But it seems to have been the right choice. I'm teaching Niamh to sign Makaton at home (my god daughter is profoundly deaf, so in Niamh's case it is more important to have a grounding in it) and when she gets older I'm going to aim to do more crafts and baking with her when I'm well enough. You don't have to pay to do everything, just the stuff you can't do at home, and I don't have the room for tumble tots equipment in my tiny two bed flat!

Anyway, lots of rest needed for tomorrow, so I am going to run (metaphorically at least) and go behave myself rest.

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pics for today:

And Niamh, asleep in her buggy on the way to tumble tots, I thought it was just SO cute the way her arms were up. She hasn't slept in this position since she was ickle!

Night all!

New look! :)

I had to, for the first time today, appeal for what to write about on here. As I have said previously I want to bring the blog back to the issues that I set it up for. Having M.E whilst being a parent (not to mention other interlinked conditions). It's not going to be massively serious all the time, nor is it going to be futile and boring either (I hope!). But I wanted to try and find the balance about the issues, my life with M.E and other bits that don't focus on it too much! I will get there in the end. Anyway, today I was so brain fogged that I honestly couldn't think of a subject (it might seem a tad obvious in hindsight) but a few people kindly pointed out that brain fog would actually be the perfect subject. So, I spent all day considering how I was going to write it, as it makes such an impact on my life and the lives of other sufferers, that I wanted to "do it justice" so to speak. But I have gone round and round in circles all day and I am just too fogged to make enough sense, this has been quite amusing for my family on multiple occasions today. Not to mention that I still have this annoying bone and joint pain that isn't the normal kind I get and it's making typing a little more uncomfortable that usual. Therefore don't think I can write as long an entry as I was intending. Think I will mention this new pain at my dr's appointment on Tuesday, wouldn't want them to miss something because I have M.E and almost everything can simply be put down to M.E.

As you may all have noticed, I have given my blog a new look. I have been having cognitive problems lately and as has been pointed out a few times to me previously (sorry all, should have listened before) my last design was a bit "busy" and could make it hard to read. So here you go, black (for me), pink (because it's not too bright but it's also clear and easily readable) and butterflies (which is Niamh's thing). Hope you all like it, maybe leave me a comment and tell me what you think.

Will hopefully have something more interesting to say tomorrow. Will be having a think (brain fog permitting) about the entry I intended for today, wish me luck! Until then here are mine and Niamh's 366 photo's for today:

And Niamh in her rolling stones dress :D

Night all!

Back to basics

Been having some weird symptoms the past few days. I have a lot of muscle and joint pain, always have. But for some reason the past couple of days I swear my BONES are hurting, my shins and the bones in my upper and lower arms. Maybe it's not my actual bones, but thats what it feels like, so hey, if anyone knows what the hell this is then leave me a comment! Thank you!

Had to do my injection today, lucky for me it's only once a month as it's not the most comfortable of injections. That sounds funny, the prospect of a comfortable injection. I self medicate vitamin B12 once a month, it was weekly at one point. It does really make a difference though. I don't have a B12 defiancy of any kind it was just recommended by Proffesser Findly when I first got ill. I have been on them ever since, bar when I was pregnant.

Yesterday's entry has made me decide to write more about the affects of this condition on me, my daughter and my family in general. This is, afterall what I created this blog for. The reason I haven't been discussing it as much as maybe I should, is simple really. Sometimes I just find it too hard. But I made this diary to raise awaerness and to show people both sides of having this illness. The good side and the bad side. The days when I need all my mobility equipment, and every adaptation to my home, just to do the simplist of things, the days where I can't leave the house, or my bed. To the days where I can go out with my husband and my daughter and shop like I normal person. Well, mostly.

I recently bought a lockable cabinet to store my medications in, since Niamh has been able to walk I have needed it and with my inability to afford one my dad bought it for me as soon as the January sales were on. I would like something stylish ideally, that is big enough to hold everything. But that is not possible on a budget! So what I have is a filing cabinet, but it's nice, it's black (as is the rest of my bedroom furniture), it holds EVERYTHING including my sharps box and it has two keys (very important as I forget everything, or loose everything). I'll post a picture on here, this is my small two drawer filing cabinet (small in the way of, it only has two drawers not four) with most, but not all of my medication in it (so you know as I need ideas). If anyone knows of a stylish (ish) black lockable cabinet that would be able to hold all this (and a little bit more) that I could save up for please let me know by leaving a comment on here of facebook or twitter (@Crapgoth).

I will write more tomorrow, but until then, here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures from today:

And Niamh, in her little dress and hat:

Night all.

Falling through the cracks

I am that person. The one that slips through all the cracks. The one that no one can help because of the stupid rules. I don't meet the criteria for anything, and I'm just supposed to survive.

Here's the outline. I'm too ill to work. Simple. Dr won't let me, and unless my health improves significantly this is likely to be the case for all of my life. Maybe in the future if the government realise that instead of trying to fit the disabled person around the job, but instead adapts the job to fit the disabled person, maybe then there would be a chance. I would love to do a job from home, maybe something based on writing, but it would have to be flexible (some days I can't get out of bed), I'd have to have the right equipment (some days I can't use a computer) not to mention I also have a child! I would love to do a documentary to raise awareness of M.E (but would rather not star in it!). But these things are just not possible unless the governments puts provisions in place. Don't get me wrong, it is easier now than say 10/20 years ago for someone with a disability to find work. But it still remains practically impossible for someone with a varying illness, or an invisible illness to find a job or accepting employers. I mean, seriously, who wants to hire someone that has to be honest in the interview and say that they would probably require an extensive time off sick? I know I wouldn't.

Because of this inability to work, I can't get job seekers allowance, or income support. The job centre have said that I simply can't have it if I can't look for work. Ah huh! I hear you all say, ESA! Well no. My husband does work, as my dad is retired and I have a lot of family support, and he works full time. But he only earns £13,000 a year before tax. Our rent is £695 and that doesn't include that fact we have to pay bills, get food, o yeah and once again we have a child! If you want to claim ESA, you can't have a partner who works full time, they have to work 24 hours or less, regardless of what they earn. So yeah, can't get that either. This leaves me in the situation where I can't work, so can't claim the benefits meant to help those looking for work, but I can't claim the benefit meant to be there to support those who can't work. So what do I do? Not eat? Not have electric or heating? The answer, for me at least, is that I have parents that can help me. But that won't last forever and others aren't as lucky.

When Niamh was born we became entitled to working families tax credits, child tax credits and child benefit. These, with the exception of child benefit, are meant to top up what you already earn. Well. I suppose it does do that, but we barely earn enough to live. With child benefit being capped, the child tax credits are used to feed and clothe Niamh, none of it whatsoever is used for anyone other than her. The working tax credits are very minimal and we use them to eat. We do receive housing benefit and council tax benefit, but a minimal amount, nothing near what our rent and council tax actually is.

I did get DLA, but that is now being re-assessed and I'm completely frightened about the prospect of loosing it. It is literally the only income I have. When they say the cost of living is approximately 25% higher for disabled people. They're not wrong. If I can't have someone take me to an appointment, I can't get public transport alone because I can't push my wheelchair whilst holding on to Niamh. Not to mention that pushing a self propelled wheelchair is exhausting! So I need a taxi, an expense as it is, but when you add that it has to be a specially adapted taxi, the fare then tends to increase. I have had normal taxis before that have refused to take me, even though I can transfer from the wheelchair, and don't have to be in it all that time. They have even refused when Chris has been with me to fold the wheelchair up and place it in the boot. They don't need a special licence for me, but the company policy is that wheelchair users can only go in specially adapted cabs, of which there are one, maybe two. Less available, and more expensive, brilliant!

Then there's food. Well, my digestive system often decides it hates me, and with chemical sensitivities and food allergies, eating became more expensive. I HAVE to eat organic otherwise I seriously suffer for it. Most of the time obviously can't afford to do this so I just have to suffer nausea and stomach cramps.

Then, theres medication. I have an awful lot of prescription medication. I used to be on pre-pay because it worked out cheaper. But you still have to have the money when it comes up for renewal. Then I had maternity excemption, which ran out a couple of weeks ago when Niamh turned one. Lucky for us though being in child tax credits and working tax credits put us in the "too poor to afford prescriptions" bracket. Otherwise there is NO way I would be able to afford the medication I'm on that helps me SO much. Then theres the vitamins that I'm on that I can't get on prescription. I am on high doses of manyy vitamins, (Co-enzyme Q10, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Calcium and Evening Primrose Oil) which are expensive. I also depend on melatonin to sleep and I have to import this as you can't buy it in the chemist or get it on an adult prescription. I can't even add up what this cost me a month.

In the past I have had to buy equipment to improve my life as the wait for it has been so long. Crutches and my wheelchair to name a couple. This means that my wheelchair probably isn't as effective as one prescribed and made for me, but I didn't want to be housebound for another year!

Anyway. That's my story. Now you can see why I am SO scared of not being eligible for the DLA anymore. It is quite literally all I have. We don't have a disposable income. We put all our money into rent, food, bills, Niamh, and things relating to my disability. There is nothing left. Sometimes having enough in the first place is practically impossible!

The sad thing is, I'm not the only one. There are many disabled people out there struggling to live. There are many others who aren't disabled too. SO many people fall through the cracks because they have a disability that varies. They have a partner. They work too many hours for too little pay. They aren't old enough, regardless of their situation (did you know that you are entitled to working families tax credits, even without children, as long as the main wage earner is over 25, NO one could explain to me or Chris why there was this age limit). I haven't even listed a small percentage of problems faced.

I was actually informed (by nodding her head when the question was asked) by someone at the job centre that we (as a couple, even before we had Niamh) would be better off if Chris simply gave up work. This would allow me to claim ESA, Chris to claim careers allowance (instead of my care needs being split between him and my family and therefore no one claiming anything). My ability to claim ESA would result in our full rent and council tax being paid for us. Plus the actual ESA as extra income. Chris could even work up to the standard 24 hours a week, and all this would happen. So... why not? Because we have REALLY strong morals (possibly stupidly at this point). I was brought up, that you work to put bread on the table unless you are physically incapable of doing so, and Chris can. Then if you can't you use your savings, and only then do you ask for help, and when you ask for that help your family should help you too. I have worked myself into a wheelchair, I have used my savings and I have finally asked for help, and my family have offered this financial support as well as physical support in caring for me. All these things stop us making that hard decision for Chris to leave work, or reduce his hours. A decision that is looking more and more likely to occur, despite our best and ongoing efforts!

I am completely in support of welfare reform that streamlines the system, and makes everything less confusing and more accessible for those in NEED of it. This may stop people like me from falling through the cracks. It just needs to be well thought out, and in my opinion this has occurred too fast to be thought out to the extent it needs to be. Just saying!

Anyway enough is enough. It has taken me all day to write this as it has not been a good health day, but was hoping in writing it it might get some of it out of my head and enable me to sleep better tonight.

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures from today:

And Niamh, having snuggles with auntie in her PJ's (PJ day and lots of family support today)

Night all.

The gorilla in the room.

I know I said I was going to have a moan about the changes to DLA, and I want to, I just don't have the energy. Trust me it has all got worse in my eyes since yesterday as I've been doing some calculations about what we have coming in, and well basically we don't. So yeah, headless chicken. Anyway will moan about that tomorrow, or the next day, or when I stop worrying about it all long enough to get enough sleep to be able to function well enough to write something that makes sense! Unlike that!

On that note, this entry is something that I saw someone reading on youtube, found it very true and had to find the source and post it on here. I am unsure whether or not I found the original source so I have pasted the link to the blog I stole it from at the end of todays entry.

"Acquiring a disability is a bit like getting home to find there's a gorilla in your house. You contact the approved and official channels to get rid of infestations of wild animals (in this case, the NHS) and they umm and aah and suck air in through their teeth before saying something roughly equivalent to "what you've got 'ere, mate, is a gorilla, and there ain't really a lot what we can do about them, see..." before sending you back home to the gorilla's waiting arms.

The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide that (s)he can't deal with the gorilla, and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought the gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your colleagues, who don't know how to deal with gorillas. You're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because at the last minute, the gorilla has decided to barricade you into the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because when you see them - which isn't often, because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darn gorilla and the devastation it is causing.

There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.

One is to ignore it and hope it goes away. This is unlikely to work. A 300-lb gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that's on top of you, it will have an effect on you.

Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling constantly with it, spending all your time fighting it. This is often a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This also tends to be a losing battle. However, every so often, one in a hundred gorillas will get bored and wander off. The crystal-wavers and gorilla-wrestlers will claim victory, and tell the media that it's a massive breakthrough in gorilla-control, and that the 99 other gorilla-wrestlers just aren't doing it right due to sloppy thinking or lack of commitment. The 99 other gorilla-wrestlers won't have the time or energy to argue.

I have known people spend the best years of their life and tens of thousands of pounds trying to force their gorillas to go away. The tragedy is that even if it does wander off for a while, they won't get their pre-gorilla lives back. They'll be older, skint, exhausted, and constantly afraid that the gorilla may well come back.

The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it, and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Find out how to equip your home with gorilla-friendly furnishings and appliances. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accommodate, or even make use of, your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla-taming tips.

People get really upset about this and throw around accusations of "giving up" and "not even trying". They even suggest that you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla-turds in your bedroom every morning and night, not to mention your weekly bill for bananas). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day, they too will have a gorilla in their house. "

So true.

Here's mine and Niamh's 366 pictures for today.

Me, messing around when mum took us out for afternoon tea:

And Niamh, playing with my phone :)

And as promised, this is the blog I stole the piece of writing from: http://batsgirl.blogspot.com/2008/04/gorilla-in-your-house.html

 

 

Tests, jabs and Nando's

Sorry for not posting yesterday but really was not well enough :(. So this entry is going to be two entries in one.

Tuesday 17th January 2012

Today was interesting. I had some tests booked at the drs early in the morning and Niamh had her jabs straight after. The test was painful and kept failing to had to have it repeated 5 times, not brilliant. Took a bit of a tole on my body after so spent most of the rest of the day on the sofa that Chris had made into a bed for me. Niamh hated her jabs, she screamed for ages and wouldn't calm down. Then eshe wouldn't be near the nurse that did them without crying, bless her.  We had to pop to tesco to get some bits on the way home, and Niamh fell asleep on my lap in the wheelchair.

For lunch Chris took me and Niamh to Nando's for lunch. His idea, sort of like a treat for having been poked and prodded all morning, and Niamh got a toy (we always buy her a little something after her jabs). We also bumped into my sister and her boyfriend on the way to town and they joined us for lunch, which was brilliant.

When we got home I just lay on the sofa. Niamh is used to me having to rest, but she's NOT used to me not getting up at all. I spend the majority of my time resting on the sofa, but I can get up and get myself a drink (all be it slowly). So she was concerned, little sweetheart, and she kept coming over and wanting to snuggle with me. Then after about 20 mins she would jump down, play for a while and come back. It was like she was checking on me. She is so sweet.

Here's mine and Niamh's 366 pictures for today:

I posted this even though it does show me ill. Not the worst i've looked though, by far.

Sound asleep on my lap, in the wheelchair. She was sooo tired before her jabs, and all the crying after them really knackered her out.

Wednesday 18th January 2012.

Haven't done much today, been trying to behave myself and get some energy back from yesterday. Rested most of the day, met dad for lunch and had Angela round. Then I got a call from a mate who moved away a while ago and whom I haven't seen since August, saying he was nearby and could he pop in. OF COURSE HE COULD! He's awesome, I haven't seen him in ages, plus it's his birthday today!

It was a nice surprise for Chris as well, as he was there when he got home from work. When I was pregnant, (a few days before I had Niamh I think) Chris and Dave surprised me when I got home from my parents and he was there, so we thought we would surprise Chris this time! It was nice, we had a catch up, he got to meet Niamh and play with her (Niamh was possibly a bit too excited by it all) and had dinner with us. We then had some more time to catch up with each other before he had to head home.

Must get an early night tonight as Chris is on a late tomorrow meaning I have to be up at pretty much the same time, and give Niamh her dinner and bath and put her to bed by myself. Not to mention that I'm having afternoon tea with my mum in the afternoon (how civilised). Really looking forward to it.

So I'm off now to have a bath and go to bed. Hoping to sleep a bit better tonight, I spent quite a chunk of last night worrying about the benefit reforms and how they will affect us as a family. Especially if they change/remove my DLA, but that's a whole new post. Trust me it will be too long for me to complete right now (well at least if I want to make any sense!).

Here are mine and Niamh's 366 pictures:

And Niamh in my sister's coat!



Night all!

Too tired today.

I'm not really up to posting a whole entry tonight. Shattered from yesterday and from struggling to take Niamh to gym babes by myself (but she enjoys it so much). So just wanted to put a small something up. My brain is completely fuzzy as well so sorry if it doesn't make any sense!

Benn having quite a few bad days lately, but i've had good day. Off to the drs tomorrow for tests and such, Niamh has her 1 year jabs as well :(

Here's mine and Niamh's 366 pics from today:

And Niamh.... What me? Make a mess? Never!

Anyway, thats my lot for today, going to go have a bath (with a bit of help) and a stupidly early night (hopefully with a little less help!).



Wheelchair accsess problems... now theres a surprise!

Today started out interestingly, with my complete inability to get myself out of bed, even with my bed guard! Had to call Chris, lucky for me it wasn't that I was too ill to get out of bed, just that my legs appeared to have removed their connection from my brain. Everything I was telling them to do, they were ignoring! Lucky that sorted itself out in a few hours.

Chris was going with our friend Judd to play squash, and next to the squash courts in the same building is something called cool kids, which is a soft play area for children, so I took Niamh in there. She loved it for the first half hour or something but then started getting grumpy so I sat her down to have a snack and wait for Chris and Judd.

We made it home just in time to get ready to go out for lunch with my parents. At the end of the year at Tesco they give the staff a book of vouchers, one of which was for 20% off at Cafe Rouge, somewhere me and Chris clearly couldn't afford to go otherwise.

We got ready to go and set off for the short walk to the restaurant. Only to find that one of the main roads was shut. I don't really know how to explain this. It's a one way road, that is an older street, that I live on and you have to walk down to get into town. Well, if you don't want to go a really wibbly wobbly way that is. They had had to shut it, it turns out, because of an assault at 3am, you couldn't use the footpath, on either side at the bottom of the road. You could use the wibbly ways to get to the end, but then you had to go either left or right to get to a crossing for the main road. The crossing to the left involved going down some stairs to a subway (yes, stairs) so the other was the better option. Well, you would think so. The road they had shut has an ornate metal fence bordering it on both sides of the road and they had shut off the pavement before the metal fence ended, meaning if in a wheelchair, you couldn't cross the road under the subway or cross the cordoned off road to get to the traffic light crossing on the other side. You were fine however if you could use stairs, or jump the ornate fence.

Now, Chris got cross, so did my dad, so they went ahead with Niamh in her buggy. I stayed and spoke to the police woman and nicely explained that "did they realise that there is no access at all for wheelchair users" to which I got the response "there's nothing I can do, this is a crime scene". I totally understand that, but they had shut a good portion of the road (turns out the crime actually happened further up) and surely they have to at least consider how people are going to get round these barriers.. Really, I think she just wanted to say, "tough, go home, you're not allowed to go out for lunch like everyone else, because your body doesn't work like everyone else's".  It was also clear that they had used the end of the fence to tie the tape to because it was easiest, which is fine, but not helpful. Now I have lived in this town for most of my life and know that there is another way, and that same subway has a ramp access that is on the other side of another busy road, but I hadn't said anything to this woman on purpose, as I would have been completely happy with her simply explaining how to get to the ramp. It would have shown me that they had put some thought into access for wheelchair users, but she didn't. I have a complete understanding that I can't go under the barriers or anything, and to be honest, I wouldn't want to. It would have been nice to have some evidence that they had put some thought into it. But no. Of course not. It just really makes my blood boil. ARGH!!!

Anyway, that's enough! If you guys have had any similar experiences (either directly or have heard of them) feel free to share, it will make me feel less alone in my anger!

A nicer subject, here's mine and Niamh's day 15 366 pics!

I'm going to leave it here for today, but am super proud of myself for being able to do two entries in two days!



Niamh's first birthday!

Sorry for the lack of updates, I just honestly haven't had the spare energy to use to write. I am feeling a bit better now, still very drained but better, to be honest I don't think that Christmas is a fantastic period for my energy levels lol!

Anyway, since Christmas day there has obviously been boxing day, which we spent at my in laws. Only one small problem, they got a cat for Christmas and didn't tell me. This is a big issue as I am very allergic to cats (and dogs, and rabbits, and probably anything with fur). I ended up triple overdosing on the hay fever tablets they had, taking my inhaler one hell of a lot and itching for days. So I think my body fighting the allergic reaction drained me further, shame, because the kitten is damn cute!

New years eve was spent in, not well (as is normal for me) but this year me and Chris managed to have a picnic of junk food in the front room (last year it was literally in my bed) and our mate Rog popped by for a beer before going out (it's good living practically in the town centre sometimes!). However, wasn't well and was still in bed by 9, hee hee. Was woken up at midnight by whatever was going on in town, and a load of fireworks and a scared Niamh, bless her.

Then on the 10th of January was Niamh's birthday. It was lovely, my best friend (and Niamh's godmother) and her clan (her, her husband and 4 kids) came round to see Niamh in the morning. Sadly we don't get to see much of each other between my illness(s) and hers (she has AS), the fact that she has 4 kids and last, but by no means least her youngest is my God child (as are all her children) who is ill and often in and out of hospital. So was really nice that she had a good Christmas, with no hospital admissions AND could also make Niamh's birthday. I had obviously done a lot all day and by lunch time was very tired, a bit wobbly but still trying to do everything, this, earned me a telling off from everyone! The kids helped Niamh open some presents and they all left when she (and I) went for our afternoon nap.

We had a budget (not a big one) but we managed to get Niamh a little table and chair and a few other presents (turns out a budget goes much further in the January sales!). All ready for the birthday girl:

She had a couple of balloons as well, one from me and Chris and one from my parents:

There was a bit of a theme going on (in case you hadn't already guessed) it was pink and purple and butterflies. Niamh wore her pretty purple party dress:

We had the family round in the evening, for party food and so they could all see Niamh on her birthday:

She had a butterfly birthday cake, AND I somehow found the energy to bake some cupcakes for her (did take a while though, thank goodness mum bought me a cupcake maker last year, wouldn't have been good with the oven!):

She had a lovely day. I enjoyed it too, even if I did feel like hell at the end of it, and for a few days after, it was TOTALLY and COMPLETELY worth it!

I have started doing two albums on facebook, the 366 type ones. Only I am doing it a bit different, I am taking a picture of Niamh everyday and myself everyday. With Niamh it was to see how she changed and grew over the course of a year. The ones of me though I'm not so sure, it's not like many of them will look any good, I think it's more that I want to show how these illnesses affect me, and that I don't always show it. How many people do you know that choose to post pictures of themselves on the Internet when they're ill, not many people are brave like that. I decided that it was important to raise awareness that M.E isn't all down, there are good days and bad. For once I'm choosing to share the bad too.

Here's mine from today, in a funny hat:



And Niamh's from today, she looks like a pirate!:

Anyway, that's quite a long entry, that has taken me a number of days to complete, so I'm going to go and rest now. Will blog again soon, am aiming to go back to everyday blogs, hopefully!