All about Chris

Well, sorry I didn't write yesterday it was a bit of a tough day to be honest, not so much physically. Went up to the hospital with the youngest of my god-children. She has many medicial conditions and has been in and out of hospital her whole life. Recently though, she's gone quite a while without any major admissions or transfers. However, this looks like it may be on the cards, am crossing everything that it's just a minor blip and over night admission. Leah (my best friend and god-daughters mum), if your reading this, I did not over do it, I am careful and you know full well if the situation was reversed you would be doing exactly the same thing as me! So anyway, that explains why I didn't write yesterday. I'm not going to go into further details, thats not my place.

I decided to make this entry more about Chris, my husband. He has changed and grown up so much since we first got together, over 7 years ago. When we first met we were both working in a bar, which was more like a constent party than and actual job. It was great fun and the best job I'd ever had. Until, 6 months into our relationship, I got ill. I went from training as a midwife and working a further 2 jobs, to permantly on crutches, in a wheelchair, then, finally, bedbound.  All within a few months and in a new relationship. I begged Chris to leave me, as far as I was concerned I was going to loose quite a portion of my life to this disease and didn't see why Chris had to to. I begged him, I shouted at him, I swore at him, I screamed at him, but none of it made any difference. He said he loved me and wanted to stick by me, care for me, look after me. He was only 19.

He reduced his hours at work and moved in with us, so that he was at home when my dad wasn't there to care for me. My dad would look after me in the evenings whilst Chris was at work, and Chris cared for be throughout the day and night. It can't have been easy for him, at all. I barely moved for months, if I did have a conversation with him it was usually garbbled and somewhat confused. I doubt I rarely made any sense at all. He would have to carry me to the toilet, and bring me food and drink, more often than not he had to feed me it, like a child. It was undignified, humilating, but to be honest, when you are that ill you simply don't care.

It seriously strengthened the bond between us, and in 2007 on a rare and surprisingly managable holiday to Majorca, he proposed to me. We married in 2008 and I WALKED down the isle. I made it through the whole day without my wheelchair (although it was always on stand by) through sheer determination. I even went home for a nap between the wedding breakfast and evening reception so that I wouldn't have to use it.

Since we've been married, and ultimatly had Niamh our bond has cemented further. He understands my inability to do things, and that if I ask him to do something it is often because I cannot figure out a way of doing it myself. He knows the signals that i'm not coping better than I do, and often has to tell me to slow down. He does all the night stuff with Niamh, and gets up early in the morning with her, waking me just before he has to leave for work. He has had to have the odd day off of work (or a week in one case) when i've been too ill to manage alone. This is usually when I get added infections on top of everything else.

For many reasons i'm glad it was me that got ill not him. Firstly, and most obiviously, I wouldn't want him to go suffer like I have. Secondly however, I don't think I could have been so kind, understanding and selfless. I think I could be now, but not then. I'd love to say I would have been mature enough to do everything he did for me, but, although I would have tried my best, given my utmost, I don't think I would have been able to.

And still I used to throw it all back in his face. When I became well enough to function again (all be it not well) I used to scream at him when I over did it. I would tell him I was trying to make up for all the time I spent ill, that he didn't know what I had lost, what  I had missed out on. Stupiditiy. Of course he did, he missed out too.H spent all the time I was ill there beside me. I cannot believe how spiteful and hurtful I was. But, once again he understood. I was trying to come to terms with how much my life had changed. That it would always continuously change now. There will always be relapses and gentle remissions. I will constantly be able to do more, or less, depending on my health. To be honest, I still haven't got used to that. I'm getting there, but I don't think i'll ever completely get the hang of it!

As for Niamh, well she was brilliant yesterday. We had lots of fun playtime together! We made some homemade, cheap toys to play with. Here is Niamh playing with them:

They had to be homemade and cheap because we are having money problems at the moment. But thats definatley another entry! The flipping annoying complications and situations that come with this disease are unending.