Waiting in... not so good with four walls anymore!

Today reminded me why I hate being stuck in so much, brings back too many memories of before. Had to wait in for Niamh's passport to be delivered, something simple, with a very clear end. But I still felt confined, knowing I couldn't go out, not for the same reason, but the same restriction. Before people think I am completely mental I realise this is stupid, really, really dumb in fact. By having to wait in all day I wasn't going to suddenly be stuck in a room/house for unending period of time, but sometimes thats how it feels. It reminds me or some very negative times in my life and I have to fight not to be overcome by them. Making me very vulnerable, somewhat stupidly.

The major issue here is my tendancy to over do it. After i've been confined due to illness for a few weeks or days, or even a few hours if it isn't illness related, I go mad. I'm so hell bent on not ending up back where I was (scared to do anyting, or move forward for fear or moving back instead) that I over do it instead. For example, today. I didn't sleep well last night because of money worries and not so serious amounts of pain. Didn't manage a nap with Niamh afterall becasuse just as I got my head down she woke up (flipping typicial lol) and decided that cleaning the house was a good idea (turn's out not so much). So, although already limited, I tired myself out further and the stupidity doesn't end there! When Niamh's passport had been delivered I felt like I had to get out. So I packed Niamh up and walked to town in the rain to buy milk and bread, when I live a few minutes from the coop, DUMB! But I suppose I have to make these mistakes in order to learn from them. But it turns out I am infact learning from them, I can realise I've done too much before the next day (which is when I used to notice, only because I was suffering) and take action, like for example, will take meds earlier tonight, and some medium strength pain killers (anticipating pain) have a bath before bed to relax my muscles and get an early night. These things, I would not have done before!

This is proof that, although I am MUCH better than I was before, M.E still has a drastic affect on my life. I must always think about what I can or can't do each day, what I can or can't eat, what I can or can't wear, when and which meds I need to take. When I over do it, accidently or otherwise, everything must be adjusted in order to prevent a relapse. I must not, under any circumstances suffer a relapse if I want to continue to look after Niamh independantly. If I did have one, because I over did it, it would be simply devastating.

So I am learning to hold my head up, focus on Niamh, and whilst being careful, let nothing stop me. I have proven many times that I can adapt, and luckily for me, so has Niamh. So we will manage my health, together.

She has been brilliant today, as she is always. Even if she didn't really want to nap as much as usual because she's teething, poor pickle. She made my heart melt today, she was in her bouncer thing (it spins 360 if she wants it to) and she was turning to follow me the room, grinning with her arms out to me. When I went to her, her legs started kicking and her arms were flapping and she squealed when I picked her up and giggled. It was the most amazing moment. Love her so much! She's worth everything!